I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over t

A man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions. "Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?" "Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?" "I couldn't play it before."

Why did the chicken pox cross the road? He was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted.

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked. "Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally, yes.But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to d

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other

The doctors were talking about their work. "I had great success with one of my patients," said the first doctor. "When he came to me, he thought he was as small as a mouse." "And you cured him?" the second docter asked. "I convinced him that many of the world's greatest men were small," the first docter said, "He was doing quite well. Then - I lost him." "What happened?" "It was an accident," the doctor sighed sadly, "A pussy cat ate him."

PATIENT: "Doctor can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough." DOCTOR: "Okay, have this prescription filled." PATIENT: "Oh, will it improve my hearing?" DOCTOR: "No, but it will help you cough better."

Why did the book have to go to the hospital? Because it injured its spine.

A guy walks up to a doctor and asks: "What type of questions do you ask people to decide if they are retarded or not?" "I ask questions like; If you had to empty a bathtub that was full of water, and I gave you a teaspoon, a bucket, and a cup, how would you get the water out?" "Oh I see," the man said, "a sensible man would use the bucket because it is bigger." "No, a sensible person would pull the plug."

"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live." "Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute."

A man walks into a doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied. . . my belly button is out of order. . . I can't open my chest. . . I'm losing the leaves in my palm. . . somebody threw my waist in the trash. . . and my foot is only eleven inches!"