In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter." The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in. The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too." But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say?" asked the nurse. "OOPS!"

Nothing has really changed, even though we think we've gotten smarter, and technologically advanced. We've just gone back to square one! "Doctor, I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." 2004 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

A girl went to a dentist to have her teeth filled. The dentist asked, "What kind of fillings do you want? White or silver?" The girl replied, "Chocolate fillings."

This is a true story that happened in a South African hospital. There was this case in the hospital where a patient always died in the same bed and on a Friday morning regardless of his medical condition. This puzzles the doctors and some even think it has something to do with the supernatural. One day, all the doctors decide to go down to the ward where it always happens on the Friday mornings. They want to take a look at what's going on. Friday morning comes and everyone's at the hospital ward waiting for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. Right at the expected time, the cleaner comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum!

A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck. "Oh brother!" she cries. "Is that a doctor?" St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, "No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor."

Additional quotes made by physicians in actual medical records: 1. Discharge status: alive but without permission. 2. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. 3. The patient refused an autopsy. 4. The patient has no past history of suicides. 5. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 6. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 7. Since she can not get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up. 8. She is numb from her toes down. 9. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 10. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 11. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 12. The patient

1. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento. 2. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. 3. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 4. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come in different colors with little "M's" on them. 5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 6. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." 7. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arrangement for grave robbing. 8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. 9. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 10. Only item listed under

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor. Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you? Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb? Doctor: Then why are you so happy? Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half d

I was looking at this parked, motorized wheelchair once, and I noticed that it had a dial on it to control it's speed. At one end there was a turtle, and at the other end there was a rabbit. I just assumed at first that the turtle was representing the slower speed, and that the rabbit was for the faster speed, but then I remembered who won when those two animals raced. I think that it would be cool if cars used this same system too. You know, you get pulled over by a police officer and he says to you "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you were speeding? We had you clocked on our radar at going 'Rabbit' and I'm sure that you know the posted speed limit here is only 'Raccoon'. Now