An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

It was a dark and stormy night in the small Newfoundland village when Jarge's wife suddenly went into labor. The doctor came to the house and realized there was no time to get to the hospital in the city, the baby was coming now! Just then the power went out. Jarge brought out the kerosene lantern and held it for the doctor. Within minutes, Jarge's son was born. The elated parents were surprised when the doctor declared that another baby was coming. Soon, another baby had come into the world. And then a third. Jarge, somewhat in shock at the sudden prospect of supporting such a large family, started to back away. But wait, the doctor soon realized the end was not in sight. "Bring the light

After giving a woman a full medical examination, the doctor explained his prescription as he wrote it out. "When you get up, take the green pill with a glass of water. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water." "Exactly what is my problem, Doctor?" the woman asked. "You're not drinking enough water."

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and e

Heard over the hospital public address system: Due to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning.

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again. Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives." But is was still not good! So they tried: "Minds and Behinds" "Analysis and Anal Cysts" "Nuts and Butts" "Freaks and Cheeks" "Loons and Moons" "Lost Souls and Ass Holes" None worked. Almost at

Veronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair! Nurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need?

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ...I'm a gynecologist." At that point, the proctologist fainted.

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness." 3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! 4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 5. Hand me that...uh...that uh...that thingy there. 6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex? 7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? 8. There go the lights again? 9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. And this guy's got two of 'em." 10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration. 12. What's this doing here? 13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. 14. That's cool

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"