A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pric

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness "Let me ask your opinion, nurse..." "Has anyone ever seen one of THESE?" "What do you mean, "It's upside down"?" "This is what happens when cousins marry." "You think we can sew it back on?" "Is that SUPPOSED to be yellow?" "What does the AMA know; I still think I can do it." "Wow. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night." "Does Tab A go into Slot C or Slot F?" "They never let us practice on REAL people in Med school." "Don't worry, he'll never know; he's out."

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness. "OK, make a wish and pull." "Back in a minute. Gotta put money in the meter." "What he doesn't know, won't hurt us." "Tilt that TV a bit. I can't see the game." "That PROVES aliens have taken over our bodies." "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop." "I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses." "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex." "I learned that when I studied to be a vet." "Poor guy... Maybe we should give him a sex change." "He looks like my ex-wife's attorney... The one who got her the house, the car, the money... he even got her!..." "C L E A R!"

On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?" He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing."

"y'know, they made a movie about me once. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." "Oops." "Is that thing called a lung?" "And my mom wanted me to help people." "Shoot! That's the third pair of tongs this week!" "I can't pull it out!" "This belongs on MTV." "No one asked for your opinion." "It's a boy!" "Hey! I can see the operating table!" "Brilliant. Now what?" "I need a lawyer." "What have you been eating?!" "This is all a dream...this is all a dream..." "Mommy!" "Fire in the hole!" "I knew I should've stopped drinking."

A couple visit a sex therapist, who asked the wife, "What's your main complaint about your sex life? She replied, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The therapist asked the husband, "Is this true?" He replied, "Well, not exactly, I don't suffer. She does."

Did You Know .... Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

Some people have friends who are dwarfs, not me I have a friend who is a midget dwarf. He is the guy who poses for the sport trophys

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what

One afternoon, Tommy is driving down a highway to spend some time at a lake and relax. On his way to the lake, he spots a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway, gesturing for him to stop. He rolls down his window and asks, "How can I help you?" "I'm the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?" the guy in red says. Smiling, Tommy hands the guy a sandwich and drives away. A few short minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed completely in yellow, and he's standing on the side, motioning for him to stop. Slightly annoyed, he stops, rolls down the window, and says, "What can I do for you?" "I'm the yellow jerk of the highway.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.