A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person - but say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office quite excited.

Psychiatrist: What's your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. "Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?" The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released I shall confine myself to work in pure theory; where I trust the situation w

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. - S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.

Guy goes to see his doctor - "Doctor, please help me, I've got kleptomania bad!" "OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they've not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?"

A guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?" "$80 a tooth," he replies. "For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient. "Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower.

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence. Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?" The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical. With a compass, the patient locates north, and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Wi

A woman goes into a doctor's office complaining that she has constant pains in her stomach. The doctor brings her into the examining room and asks, "Well, Ma'am, are you constipated?" The woman replies, "No, I am not. I go to the bathroom every morning at 8:15, just like clockwork." The doctor asks, "Every day, are you sure?" The woman replies, "Yes, I never miss a day, every day at 8:15am I am on the toilet." Well, the doctor ponders this because obviously the woman is not constipated so he sends her for a battery of tests. The doctor calls the lady a couple of days later and has her come into his office. "Well, Ms., I have found the problem it seems that you have 3 tapeworms in your st

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

1. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada 2. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness "I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice." "Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving." "Blink once for 'yes'." "What do you mean we have the wrong patient?" "Why is there a tag on his toe?" "Do you think he can hear us?" "I didn't even know a human could bend that way." "I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anasthesia." "Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy." "Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open." "Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?" "Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!" "Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down." "It