One night a man and his wife were lying in bed and she was complaining that his penis was small and asked why he didn't do something about it. The next night thay were in bed and she reached between his legs and gasped, "How did it get so big?" Husband said, "Simple, I went to the hospital and had an operation." The wife replied, "What kind of operation?" The husband said, "I had an addadicktome!"

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. "The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the doctor; "you're just having an auto-body experience."

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well... The bad news first... Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

I went to the neurologist yesterday, to find out if I still needed to take my medication, right? Well, he goes off on a random tangent about Hershey Park and I'm like, what the heck, I thought this was about me, not a theme park. And so, somehow, he decides that I need to take two pills instead of one, and again, I'm like what the heck, this guy is nuts! And then after he decides this, he randomly decides to check the reflexes in my elbows and my knees and my ankles. I am laughing uncontrollably and my moms looked at me like I was nuts - I still don't know what my reflexes have to do with my migraines.

Q - Why do women have nipples? A - Because, if they didn't, boobs would be pointless

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc, 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Doctor: "Does it hurt when you do this?" Patient: "Yes" Doctor: "Well, you shouldn't do it then."

A girl goes to her doctor, because she's found some unusual green marks on her thighs. After the doctor has examined the marks, she asks the girl some questions so that she can determine the cause. "Do you have a boyfriend?" "Yes." "Can you describe him?" "Ok; he's tall, dark, and works at the fairground." "So he's a traveller?" "Yes, he is; any problems?" "No, no. I do think his earrings may be made of brass, though."

"OK," said the psychiatrist, "let's try some tests. I'll draw something, and you say what it reminds you of." He draws a house, and the patient says, "Sex." He draws a square, and the patient says, "Sex." He draws a circle, and the patient says, "Sex." He draws a trangle, and the patient says, "Sex." He draws a diamond, and the patient says, "Sex." "I see; it seems to me," says the trick-cyclist,"you have a fixation with sex." "Me? Who's drawing all these dirty pictures?" ----------------------------------------------------- A man is referred to a psychiatrist because he imagines himself to be a pet dog. "All right, lie on the couch," says the doctor. "Sorry, I'm not allowed on the fur

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded. "If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button." "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked. "No, it turns on a light in the ha

If it is dry - moisten. If it is moist - dry. Congratulations, you are now a dermatologist. ==================================================== What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.