A girl goes to her doctor, because she's found some unusual green marks on her thighs. After the doctor has examined the marks, she asks the girl some questions so that she can determine the cause. "Do you have a boyfriend?" "Yes." "Can you describe him?" "Ok; he's tall, dark, and works at the fairground." "So he's a traveller?" "Yes, he is; any problems?" "No, no. I do think his earrings may be made of brass, though."

"OK," said the psychiatrist, "let's try some tests. I'll draw something, and you say what it reminds you of." He draws a house, and the patient says, "Sex." He draws a square, and the patient says, "Sex." He draws a circle, and the patient says, "Sex." He draws a trangle, and the patient says, "Sex." He draws a diamond, and the patient says, "Sex." "I see; it seems to me," says the trick-cyclist,"you have a fixation with sex." "Me? Who's drawing all these dirty pictures?" ----------------------------------------------------- A man is referred to a psychiatrist because he imagines himself to be a pet dog. "All right, lie on the couch," says the doctor. "Sorry, I'm not allowed on the fur

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded. "If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button." "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked. "No, it turns on a light in the ha

If it is dry - moisten. If it is moist - dry. Congratulations, you are now a dermatologist. ==================================================== What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work, and wondered if they would increase in value after your death. When I told him they would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's great news," the artist said. "What's the bad news?" "He was your doctor."

A man walked into the doctor's surgery and said, "Doctor, every time I break wind it sounds like a motor bike." "That's very interesting; is there anything else bothering you?" asked the doctor. "I also have a large boil on my backside," said the man. "Right," said the doctor, "I will lance your boil and your problem will disappear." "How's that?" asked the man. "Because abscess makes the fart go Honda."

A man walks into a dentist's and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth." The dentist says, "You need a psychiatrist, mate." The man says, "Yes, I know." The dentist replies, "Well, why have you come in here?" "Your light was on!"

'Doctor,doctor.I think that I'm a bridge.' 'What on earth's come over you?' 'Well a car,a bike.....'

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him. "You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Patient: "My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?" Doctor: "A shoebox!"

I read right the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!

Two friends, who haven't met for a couple of years, are catching up with each other's news. One says, "And then the doctor said he'd have me back on my feet in a fortnight!" His pal says, "Well, did he?" "He sure did, I had to sell my car to pay him!"