Category Jokes - Animal
Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu
1. Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs.
2. A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone.
3. When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard.
4. Your thumbs and big toes are missing.
5. You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day.
6. You develop a liking for truffles.
7. At each meal you literally lick your plate clean.
8. You emit short snorts between sentences.
9. When friends visit you, they remark, "Man, this place is a pigsty!"
10. Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon.
A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken," he said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."
The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.
The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Ama
Sir Lancelot was losing patience with Lady Guinevere. He had fought battles; he had jeopardized his reputation; he had ruined his friendship with King Arthur.
But it was all worthwhile just to have this time with his lovely lady. They had run away for a little while, but Lancelot was growing angry because Guinevere was spending all her time on a stupid crossword puzzle.
When she raised her quill to write in another word, he snapped. He couldn't take it any more.
He yelled in a harsh tone, "GIVE ME THE PEN GUIN!"
After that, she thought he had lost his mind, and left him.
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey, koala! What are you doing?"
The koala said, "Smoking a joint - come up and have some,"
so the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala, where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while, the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped to the river bank. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sit
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your
What does PPSH-41 stand for?
It is:Perfectly and Painfully and Stubborn Hallucination for(4) one(1)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! DUH! Aw c'mon, how many times are you gonna fall for this?
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which looks black."
Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you?
A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.
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