Yo mama so fat when jumps up in the air she gets stuck.

Q: What does a 1000 pound bird say?? A: SQUAWK!!!

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner. Dogs shed, cats shred. No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am. People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life. We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls? Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax an

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed (again). DAY 762 - Slept al

This story takes place in a very specific year. Somewhere in the future. A year after Bush leaves office. -------------------------------- Part 1. A Space mission Place: In a rocket in space. Notes: names such as Junior and Senior are just rankings on the shuttle. -------------------------------- Senior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JUNIOR? Junior: Getting a donut. Senior: Yeah, but look at which donut it is. Junior: Chocolate with colorful sprinkles. Senior: YEAH! ONLY SENIOR RANKINGS GET SPRINKLES! Junior: Yeah! Wadaya gonna do? Senior: DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU! Piolot: Guys, we have a problem. Junior: What is it? Senior: Shut up, Junior, let a sopisticated Senior do this. What is the problem? Piolo

Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet. Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries. Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed. Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog. Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle. Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists everywhere. Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors. Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes. Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, a dog that....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway. Collie +

Some small ads that didn't quite come out right on paper - For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? . . . DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the

How do you catch a unique rabbit? You nique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way!

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A licalottapus!