A normally sweet Great Dane, Psil, has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers. While walking Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man. Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner, trying to ease the situation, said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men." "Don't you feed him anything else?" he responded.

This is how Army policy all begins... Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Continue, until when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes at

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm!

Scientists Discover Previously Unknown Holidays by S.J.Zeve at Hacker Times December 16, 1985 Researchers at the Hacker Institute have discovered a previously unknown pair of holidays similar in nature to All Saints Day and Halloween. Researchers claim that these holidays have been missed in the past due to their rather specialized natures and a non-religious orientation. Adding to the confusion is the fact that the holidays seem, in many respects, to be fairly young in age and so not quite settled properly into calendar slots as are such older and more staid holidays as Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, Easter, Purim, Hannukah, and so forth. Indeed these two new holidays not only float

Automobile Tool Definitions Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers. Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle. Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company? A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house. Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass. Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? A. From a catalogue. Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? A. He thought it was a delivery service. Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A. A Michael Jackson slumber party. Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning? A. She wants to be the first lady. Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex? A. When Hillary is out of town. Q.

Q. What's the difference between Bill and Monica. A. One can't come clean and the other one can't clean cum. Q. What's Monica's favorite instrument? A. She's good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ! Q. How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history? A. The President after Bush Q. What's the new game there playing in the White House? A. Swallow the Leader Q. Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book? A. It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing" Q. What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson? A. Get out of my sun! Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen? A. Got two fives for a ten? Q. How do Helen Keller's parents punish her? A. By putting a plun

Q: Why did the little girls put minnows in their pants? A: So they could smell like big girls.

So this chicken walks into the library, and she walks up to the librarian and she says: "Book." The librarian says: "You want a book?" "Book." "Any book?" "Book." So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off she goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, "Book-book" The librarian says: "Now you want two books?" "Book-book." So she gives the chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but she comes back soon. "Book-book-book." "Three books?" "Book-book-book." So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and find out what's going on. The chicken goes down the alley, and out of town and towards the woods, into

A duck, a skunk, and a frog go to the movies. Tickets cost one dollar. Which animal doesn't get in? The skunk! The frog has a green back, the duck has a bill, but the skunk only has a scent.

A very lonely old lady buys a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before the purchase, she is given a guarantee that the bird will talk. Ten days later, she returns to the store, very disappointed. "The parrot doesn't talk." "Did you buy a mirror?" "No." "Every parrot needs a mirror." So she buys a mirror and installs it in the cage. Another ten days, and she's back at the pet shop. "The parrot still doesn't talk." "Did you buy a ladder?" "No." "Every parrot needs a ladder." So she buys a ladder and installs it in the cage. Guess what? Ten days later, she's back in the shop. "The parrot still doesn't talk!" "Did you buy a swing?" "No." "Every parrot needs a swing." So she buys a swi

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine." The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happ