Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? A: Bacon and legs

What do you call a sheep with no eyes? A blind sheep (what else?)

Two friends were out shooting birds. A bird flew from behind a tree and quick as a flash one man shot it. It uttered a squawk, folded its wings and fell to the ground. The other man turned to him and said: " You didn't need to shoot that bird. The fall would have killed it."

A man was buying a horse and was given a few simple instructions. To make the horse walk, he would say "few." To make the horse run, he would say "many." To make the horse stop he would say "amen." On the man's first ride all was going well. "few!" the man shouted and the horse began to walk. "many!" the man shouted and the horse began to run. But the man had forgotten the word to make the horse stop as it ran towards the edge of a cliff. The man shouted in terror "Lord! Please save me! Amen!" And of course the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff-face. The man then mopped his brow and said "Phew! that was clo- AAAAARRRRGHHH!!"

Last time my friend went to the zoo, he got in trouble for feeding the monkeys... ...to the lions.

Man 1: "My budgie lays square eggs!" Man 2: "Really! That's amazing! Can it talk as well?" Man 1: "Yes, but only one word." Man 2: "What's that?" Man 1: "Ouch!"

"Look at the speed of that plane!" said one hawk to another, as a jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. "Hmph!" snorted the other, "You too would fly fast if your tail was on fire!"

Bought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it. We went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!

One day a couple of rabbits found themselves being chased by a pack of wolves. They dashed into a thicket, and stood there panting. "So," gasped one to the other, "do you think we should keep running, or stay here until we outnumber them?"

Two kangaroos were living in a zoo pen with a 20-foot high fence. One morning, both kangaroos were found wandering around the zoo, and were quickly put back in their pen, and the fence was put up to 30 feet. Next morning, they were found outside again, so the fence was made 40 feet high. The fence got up to 60 feet, and still the kangaroos were outside in the morning. One kangaroo says to the other, "How high will they make this fence, do you think?" "Don't know," says the second. "Depends when they discover they're not locking the gate." An elephant walks into a pub and orders a drink. He's sipping his beer when a man starts playing the piano. The elephant looks over, and bursts into tears

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. He says, "My dog's cross-eyed, can you do something for him?" "Let's have a look at him," says the vet, as he picks up the dog, examines his eyes, and checks his teeth. "I'm going to have to put him down," he finally says. "What?" says the man, "just because he's cross-eyed?" "No," replies the vet, "because he's really heavy!"

A man walks into a bar and notices that there is a game of poker taking place at a table in the corner of the room. To his amazement, one of the players is a German Shepherd, studying his hand intently. He asks the barman, "Is that dog actually playing poker?" "He certainly is, sir," replies the barman. "I am amazed," said the man. "Oh, it's quite true, every night, the same group comes in here and they all play poker." "Does the dog win much?" asks the man. "No, he's terrible, every time he gets a good hand, his tail starts to wag!"