My cat is crazy. I had just sat down to eat my hot dog when she jumped in my lap. She scared the crap out of me. I mean, I literally screamed. Then I'm like, "Whatever." and I went back to my hot dog. Then I felt something sharp on my fingers. That stupid thing was biting me! Poor thing just wanted some food.

I sprayed my dog with spot remover. Now he is gone.

Why wasn't the giraffe invited to the party? He was a pain in the neck to talk to.

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat the

Why did the piece of gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!

Why was the baby ant afraid of his uncles? Because his uncles were all ants!

Once, my parents were driving, and they wanted a cup of tea, so they drove to a cafe. When they ordered, a horse walked in and sat at the table across from them. The horse then ordered a cup of coffe. My parents thought it was a bit strange, so they asked the waitress if this was normal, and the waitress said, "No, he usually orders lemonade."

Boy(howling): A crab just bit my toe! Father: Which one? Boy: How should I know?!?!?! All crabs look alike to me!!

Teacher: Can you name four animals of the cat family? Mary:Mother cat,Father cat,and two kittens.

Q: What is a cat's favorite game? A: Go Fish!

Where do fish keep their money? In a riverbank!

Q: When is a black dog not a black dog? A: When its a grey hound.