A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using"

They have finally started practicing safe sex in Scotland... They now paint red X's on the sheep that kick

What is a kangaroo's favorite restaurant? IHOP!

Which animals eat with their ears? All of them, since no animal takes its ears off to eat!

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species. In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice. "Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge. "But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?" "Well, your honor," the hiker says, "it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

A kid is holding a conversation with a talking dog. "Why do you poop in people's yards?" asks the little kid. "We've learned to sit and we've learned to stay," said the dog. "We've learned to lay down, roll over, and play dead. People taught us the 'No' command, the 'Heel' command, and even the 'Shake Paws' command. But nobody ever thought to teach us the 'GET THE F*** OUT OF MY YAAAARD!!!!' command!

Q: What's a Polar Bear's favorite cereal? A: Ice Krispies

Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for? Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...

We have found the perfect mate for all of you ladies out there. This mate... will always stop watching t.v. and cuddle with you without expecting something in return. Is always happy to hear about your day when you get home. Never complains about your cooking, or lack of. Never gets mad when you roll over in bed and say you're too tired. Never yells back at you when you are having a mood swing due to pms. Finally ladies here is your perfect mate.... A PUPPY!!!

Why did the squirrel cross the road? Because it was NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why did the rooster cross the road? To fuck the chicken.

Why did the elephant cross the road? Because the chiken retired.