A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?" "Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess." Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?" Tonto says, "Ear sticky."

A man asked people for fifty-thousand dollars for his talking dog. He brings him into the bar, but the bartender doesn't believe the dog can talk so the guy asks the dog, "What's the opposite of smooth?" The dog says, "Rough." And then the guy asks the dog, "What's the part of the house that has the chimney sticking out of it?" "Roof." "And who was the great homerun hitter in the twenties and thirties?" "Ruth!" The bartender says, "You big fake, get that dog out of here." So the guy and his dog go outside. Then the dog says, "What was I supposed to say? Mel Ott?"

A local psychic hotline opened up a new number especially for frogs, called "The Psychic Frog-line." A frog called, wanting to know his future. "You will meet a beautiful young girl," predicted the psychic. "This is great!" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At a party? At the pond?" "No," replied the psychic. "Next semester in a biology class."

A cat's dictionary. Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something. Human Being: Automatic door opener for cats. Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines. Purrson: A male kitty. Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

One day on a farm a farmer gets a new rooster and puts it in the hen house. The new rooster is talking to the old rooster and the old rooster says, "Just let me have 2 chickens and I'll leave you alone." The young rooster says, "No old man these are my chickens." So the old rooster says, "Why don't we have a race around the chicken coop to see who deserves the chickens?" The young rooster figuring he is faster agrees, and even desides to give the old rooster a 15 second head start. So when the race begins the old rooster takes off and 15 seconds later the young rooster begins running. By the time the roosters round the first bend the young rooster has almost caught the old rooster

If it sounds like a duck, has a beak like a duck and feet like a duck, and swims like a duck, you still better make sure that it ain't a platypus!

Your so stupid you tried to kill a fish by drowning it!

A man had just got his car stuck in a mudhole during a drive in the country and he needed help getting it out. So he walked until he found a farm and asked the farmer for help. The farmer agrees to help the guy out. So he takes a horse out of the stable and leads him to the car. The farmer then ties a harness around the horse and the other end to the car. The farmer yells, "Pull, Sandy!" The horse just stands there. The farmer yells, "Come on now, pull Twister!" The horse once again just stands there. Finally the farmer yells, "Ok dangit, PULL RANGER! You're just standing there!" Finally the horse springs forward and with all the strength he has he pulls the car out of the ditch and onto the

A city mouse had a country mouse stay for the weekend, and spent the whole time offering urban advice. On the last evening of the country mouse's visit, they were dining in the kitchen when in came the largest cat the country mouse had ever seen. "Don't panic," said the town mouse, "Leave this to me." Marching up to the cat she said, "Bow wow wow wow! The cat turned and ran from the room. "How did you do that?" asked the country mouse. "Like I told you," said the town mouse, "it pays to learn a second language."

Two guys own a zoo. To their angst their lone female gorilla goes into heat. Knowing she will be violent if not looked after they take her to a vet for advice. He says she needs to be bred by a male gorilla. Knowing they can't find a male they weigh their options. One says to the other, hey that guy that cleans the cages is kind of crazy, maybe he'll do it. They ask him if he'd do it for $500. He asks for some time to think about it. The next day he comes back to the guys and says he'll do it on three conditions. 1) No commitments, once it's done it's over. 2) If there is any kids I'm not responsible. The two say O.K. no problem, what's your third condition? Well h

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?" The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter, and the host said, "My wife."