Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well, in the last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh, that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting there, listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture. I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of.... Black November. "Come around August, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, and scoop out all your insid

Photographing a new puppy isn't as easy as it may first sound... Remove film from box and load camera. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle. Choose a suitable background for photo. Mount camera on tripod and focus. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose. Put magazines b

What's gray, has four legs, and a trunk? A mouse on vacation.

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a cow and began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." The Indian looked shocked. Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian. Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." The Indian looks even more shocked. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." The Indian looks extremely

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal ho

"Do you know that your dog bit my mother-in-law yesterday?" "Is that so? Well, I suppose you'll sue me for damages?" "Not at all. What'll you take for the dog?"

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who is used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the t

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road? A: To take over the other side.

Q: What's the worst time to be a rat or a mouse? A: When it's raining cats and dogs!

Did you know... in Louisiana it is illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant and leave it unattended? Really! It's true!