What do you call a dinosaur that is able to give you a synonym for any word you give him? Answer: A Thesaurus! :)

A gazelle goes out for her usual afternoon walk. About an hour later, she realizes that she is lost out in the open. Unskilled in the ways of the real world, she asks a cheetah, "Excuse me sir, do you know what time it is?" With a grin, the cheetah said, "It's lunchtime."

What is a cat's favorite part of the computer? The mouse!

How do spell mousetrap with only three letters? C-A-T

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. A. Fill in the blanks 1. [xxx] is not food. Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear i

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease... * Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne. * She refuses to let you milk her, saying, "Not on the first date." * Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of her ears. * Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder. * Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body. * Your cow demands to be branded with the "Golden Arches" logo. * Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred. * Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows. * Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King. * She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia. * Your cow joins the He

Why did the chicken go across the field? Because the referee shouted "FOWL"!

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the m

1) The couch is not mine. 2) No matter how much larger the human is, the cat still deserves half of the bed. 3) Tell those you love how much you love them but only after they feed you. 4) Its okay to be a tad overweight as long as you are still able to reach your goals(for example the windowsill). 5) Catnip actualy has a rather nice scent. 6) The printer is a valid seat. 7) All scurmishes with others can be solved by looking innocent. 8) Its okay to lose some hair, and of course, 9) Its always nice to be with those you love,even if they do smell like dog!

Why do Chickens have no breast? Cause the Rooster has no hands!

When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. R

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly. When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner.