What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vador? An elevator

A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.

Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!

Q:What happens when two frogs collide? A: They get tongue tied Q: How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg? A: Unhoppy Q: What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit? A: A rubbit Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes? A: He liked a good croak and dagger Q: What happened to the frog's car when his parking permit expired? A: It got toad

What do you call a horny fish? A blowfish

Earth Worm: Oh, I wish that darn evil Mister Barney hadn't chopped my brother into two sections! Other Earth Worm: Why? Earth Worm: Because, now I have two half brothers!

What is it called when an insect kills themself? Pesticide!

A man phoned up an exclusive escort agency and asked for a woman. "No problem," said the receptionist. "There's just one thing," said the man,"she has to be 6' 6" tall and weigh 48lbs." "Mmm,let me see --yes we can do that for you, but it will be expensive," said the receptionist. "That's o.k," said the man. "When do you want her?". "Tomorrow night at 7pm," said the man. The next night the doorbell rings and a painfully thin 6' 6" black woman is standing on his doorstep. "Come in, take off all your clothes and go down on all fours," said the man. She complies with his request. He opens the kitchen door and a scrawny black labrador emerges. The woman thinks, "Oh shit, what have I l

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die - I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a ni

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

A lonely female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward her—but he was walking straight and not sideways! Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately. The next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab! She asked, "What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!" He answered "What?! I can't get that drunk every day!".

What goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump? A centipede with a wooden leg.