A teacher asked his student: Give me an example of 6 animals. The student: 3 Lions, 2 Tigers , and 1 Cheetah !

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch...or is it going to be the same old story? Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'? Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scen

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog: 1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. 3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food. 4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. 5. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps. 6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration. 9. I will

A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said, "I will give $10,000 to any person that can make my elephant jump." So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump. Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, "Are you the guy with the ad?" The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked, "Is that your elephant?" "Yes." The rich man replies. Then the guy went back to his car. He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air.

Three guys are in an bar sitting around a log fire with their dogs and get to talkin' about them. First one says, "My dog is called Woodworker. Go Woodworker!" The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and fashions a beautiful figurine. Next one says, "My dog is called Stoneworker. Go Stoneworker!" The dog drags a rock from the fire front and creates a beautiful carving. Third one says, "My dog is called Iron Worker." He puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says, "I'll just touch him on the nose and you watch him make a bolt for the door."

In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?" Little Johnny raises his hand. "Go ahead, Little Johnny." "My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder." "That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?" Again Little Johnny raises his hand. "We'll give you another chance." "My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."

Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment? A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs? A. Because you might step in a poodle.

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed. 4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house. 5. I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up. 6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick. 7. I will not throw up in the car. 8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell. 9. "Kitty box crunchies" , although they are tasty, are not food. 10 I will not eat any

There were 3 ants in a house. They all had to decide where they wanted to sleep. One ant decides to sleep in the cabinet, one in the cookie jar, and one in the toilet. The next morning they all woke up and meet on the stove top to ask each other how their sleep was. The one who slept in the cabinet said his was hot. The one who slept in the cookie jar said his was sweet! The one that slept in the toilet said that " First it got dark, then it rained, a big gust of wind came, and if it wasn't for that big log.....I would have drowned!!!"

Why don't crabs share? Because there shelfish!

There are four elephants in a Volkswagon. How do you know when one went into your refrigerator? Answer: There is a set of footprints in the butter! How do you know when there were two elephants in the fridge? Answer: There are two sets of footprints in the butter! How do you know when there were three elephants in your fridge? Answer: you have three sets of footprints in the butter! How do you know when four elephants were in your fridge? Answer: You have an empty Volkswagon!