What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer? A bad lawyer can have a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?" The judge's face went red and he roared, "It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!" The defendant nodded and then asked, "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?" The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts." The defendant smiled and said, "Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!"

99.9% of all lawyers make the other ones look bad.

What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell?

- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. - During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway. - He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." - During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. - He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger." - Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot. - He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. - He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel and so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward; "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that

Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years. World War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the peasants, and the civil war 'team colours' were red and white. Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany was morbidly over-excited and unbalanced. Berlin became the deca

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A. A good start! Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A. His lips are moving. Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk. Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A. Professional courtesy. Q. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A. Not enough sand. Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A. A Lobotomy. Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers? A. Who cares? Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers? A. A waste of cement. Q. How do you stop a lawyer from

In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees and discouraged unnecessary litigation. A man came to him in a passion, asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor. Lincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge. When he saw that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for and got $10 as his legal fee. He gave half of this to the defendant, who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50, thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate plaintiff.

Pythagorean Theorem - 24 words. Lord's Prayer - 66 words. Archimedes' Principle - 67 words. 10 Commandments - 179 words. Gettysburg Address - 286 words. Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words. US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words.