Q: What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer? A: The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. "Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts. The lawyer explains: "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate." Using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money; the message relayed back is that the accountant knows nothing about it. Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my %#*!@#&*# money is!" "Okay! Okay!" the deaf accountant signs back. "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my backyard." "What did he

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "Well, how about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."

How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

Two scientists were discussing their latest behaviour-modification research. "We've started something new," said the first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers." "Lawyers?" questioned her colleague. "But we've always used rats." "Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats."

What did the Lawyer name his daughter? Answer: Sue

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "P

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.

Q: What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river? A: Pollution. Q: What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge? A: Solution.

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful?'" His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"

A lawyer was having a nice peacful time at home one day when the phone rang. He answered it and it was a man asking for donations towards a charity. The lawyer tries to tell the man politely that he wouldn't donate. But the man kept pushing and pushing. The man said over the phone, "But Sir, I know for a fact you are a very wealthy lawyer, you make tons of money each year, and as I look over this information sheet I don't see any donations you have made to any charities in the last five years. Don't you think it's time you gave something back to the community that's treated you so well?" The lawyers now pissed replies, "Look! I have a sick mother who requires an expensive surgery, my broth