An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

The judge summoned the opposing lawyers to his chambers. Confronting the lawyers, the judge said: "Each of you has presented me with a bribe." The lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "Mr. Hearnski, you gave me $15,000. Mr. Joy, you gave me $10,000." The judge then handed a check to attorney Hearnski. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000 to Mr. Hearnski and we'll decide this case solely on its merits!"

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500." Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left. When she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well,

I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realised that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes.

Entitled To One Phone Call Two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, enjoying a joint on the edge of the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer, unable to reach their parents, gave them each one phone call. A half hour later, a man entered the station. The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer?" "Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just delivering their pizza!"

A lawyer is talking to a *fellow* politician. 'I'm going to Switzerland next month,' said the honest politician. 'Oh really?' asked the lawyer. 'Which bank?'

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.