A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. His lawyer argued, "Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years." "Your Honor," the plaintiff's lawyer retored, "if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years!"

An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang. His wife answered and

A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge. "Your Honor," his lawyer said, "I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he is only able to speak a few words of English." The judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, "How much English do you speak?" The defendant looked up and replied, "Give me your wallet!"

A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!" "How can you tell?" Phillips asked. "Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful. "For example," the judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket, then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom." When the judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?" "What?" exclaimed the judge. "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?" "I gave it to the first one," replied his wife, "after all, he knew

A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial, he asked the Judge, "Does this mean that I can't call Miss Stuart a pig?" The Judge said that was accurate. "Does this also mean that I can't call a pig 'Miss Stuart'?" the man asked. The Judge told the man that he could indeed call a pig 'Miss Stuart' with no fear of legal action. The man then turned to Miss Stuart and said, "Good afternoon, Miss Stuart!"

A lawyer was reading a wealthy man's will to the people mentioned in it. "To my wife Claire, who stood by me through the rough times as well as the good, I leave you the house, the cars and $5 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Sarah, who took care of me during my illness and kept my company going, I leave you the yacht, the business and $2 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Phil, who always hated me, argued with me, was envious of me, and thought I would never mention him in my will ... well, you're wrong. 'Hi, Phil!'"

A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, "Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!" The officer calmly told him of his violation. The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry and pastimes in explicit terms. The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put "AH" in the corner and then handed it to the man to sign. The man demanded to know what "AH" meant. The officer said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you were such an asshole!" and then returned to his cruiser. The violator's bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorne

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information. Says Vince Vieceli, "Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees."

John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S. Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930's. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950's at the rank of full colonel. Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College (later to become the California State University, Fresno.) His work was well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president of the colleg