When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge was delighted. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now please sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

A bicyclist came whizzing down a steep hill and smashed into a car as I stood there watching in horror. I ran over to see if I could help and discovered the wild rider was a friend of mine, an attorney. I knew he was going to be just fine when the first words out of his mouth were, "Did the driver admit he was at fault?"

How do you tell when a lawyer is well-hung? When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his throat.

Arizona • A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. • Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back in the days of the Wild West). • Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American. • Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. • Due to a typographical error in the Tempe, Ariz., code, a shooting range can be run by the "Amateur Crapshooting Association." • Glendale: Cars may not be driven in reverse. • Hayden: If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined. • Hunting camels is prohibited. • In 1985, an Arizona legislator proposed that each candidate for the legislature take a reading

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The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." "Why would you say that?" wondered the broker. "Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

A lawyer in Basic Math class "What is two plus two?" "Well, first let us decide the parties. The first two is party A. Now first, where are the signatures that my client two WANTS to be added to the party B, two. I see no signatures, and therefore the two twos shan't be together until further paperwork is done. Two and two remain separate, CASE CLOSED!"

Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail, but his lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." The lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'." "But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer. "Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule. "Alright," the lawyer says, looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months." "What? That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client. "You're right. It's mine."

Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?" Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."