Smart-ass Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat ...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Smart-ass Answer #2 A truck driver was driving along on! the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver sa

What do you call an Italian Cop? Guinea Pig

A black man dies on Halloween; he is sent to purgatory for a year. On the next Halloween, the man sees angels and God. He asked God if he is going to get wings and become an angel. God says, "No nigga, you are going to be a bat."

The Perfect Halloween Costume A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please fin

The Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece. The remaining American wrestler is 5'10", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has with way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around, pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team. The American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, "Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a

You are not as stupid as you look. That would be impossible.

A blonde and a brunette have been fighting for over an hour about the sun. The brunette yells,"THE SUN IS A STAR!!!" The blonde yells,"NO IT'S EVERYONE IN THE WORLD'S FARTS!" The brunette says to the blonde,"Girl, you couldn't play any stupider!" Shocked, the blonde says in reply,"Who's playing?"

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six- year-old son, Johnny, and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," Little Johnny replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said. Little Johnny bowed his head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours! SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours! HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance? SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too! HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must have been given your share! HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend! HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out! SHE: Okay, get out! HE: I think I could make you very happy SHE: Why? Are you leaving? HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time! HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why, don't you already have one? HE: Sh

What is the difference between you and a ho? The ho is smarter.

Do you know what to say when someone is trying to roast you? "Sorry, but my brain doesn't interpret stupid."

Don't think of yourself as a zero, think of yourself as the number below one.