New Rules New Rules Dear Employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retir

How To Keep The IT Guy Happy When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't ge

An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?" "How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the correct solution wins a $1000). The engineer tried to remember things about differential pressures, but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string. The Mathematician layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry. However, the arts graduate won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer in the local pub and he told him how high the church steeple was.

A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads. The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal." The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy." The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? Hell, we have a spare tire in the tr

Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

PLEASE DON'T SMOKE IN MY OFFICE! I enjoy sex more than you enjoy smoking but you don't see me screwing in your office.

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists: 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) 2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. "

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several fart

Many authors are disputing who wrote the Shakespeare plays. They each say they did. In their arguing, they decide to try and prove who wrote it by first showing Shakespeare's work, then theirs. Shakespeare version: TITANIA to BOTTOM Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful. Jack London's version: TITANIA to BOTTOM You're as wise as the snowy owl and as beautiful as the clear night sky with fresh white snow under the Northern lights. Dr. Seuss' version: TITANIA to BOTTOM You're as attractive as green eggs on a plate and the way you sing is fantastically great! Homer's version: TITANIA to BOTTOM Be you as wise as Odysseus and as beautiful as fair Helen. Guess who won.

A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover the recent Southern California fires. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground-level. So he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a single-engine plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That