If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. This one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expe

It was a dark, stormy, night. The marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A general stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, good evening, sir!" The general, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said, "Good evening, soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well, it wasn't a nice night, but the private wasn't going to disagree with the general, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, yes sir!" The general continued, "You know, there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The private didn't agree, but then the private w

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,"All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact. But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again. As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,"Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any, "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss, Happy Birthday," and I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon, when Janet knocked on my door and said, "You kn

A guy eats at a restaurant. At the end of the meal, the guy looks at the check: Salads . . . . . . $3 Steak . . . . . . $10 Works . . . . . . .$5 Cola . . . . . . . $2 ----------------------- Total $20 The customer asked the waiter "What's 'works'?" "This time it didn't work" said the waiter and crossed out that row.

10 sentences teachers say (and their true meanings) 1. This book is very commonly used (I also studied from it 40 years ago) 2. It's important to understand what the material means in general (I'm not good with details) 3. Some might say... (My guess is...) 4. The answer to that question is not in the syllabus (I don't know the answer to your question) 5. We'll discuss that question next week (I don't know the answer to your question) 6. I'll let you search in the dictionary and find out (I don't know how to spell that word) 7. Some of you could have succeeded more in the test (You all failed) 8. Are there any questions about the material we learned last lesson? (Did any of you revie

Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope

You've all heard of TGIF - Thank God It's Friday, right? Well my Secretary refers to Friday as POETS day... Piss Off Early, Tomorrow's Saturday....!!!

Here is a short story to show you that the stodgy air traffic controllers and the flyers they serve can have a sense of humor: The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

Using the following list will most certainly keep your afternoons free and enable you to watch those cool Oprah and Sally shows. When filling out the job application form, under the heading 'Sex', instead of writing male or female, write in, "Not nearly enough, but I'm trying!" In the same form under the heading 'Have you ever been convicted of a crime?' answer, "Not yet." Show up late for the interview and try to rationalize it by saying, "My mom forgot to wake me again." This is in especially bad taste if you happen to be in your forties or older. When meeting the interviewer for the first time, shake his hand and say: "You look familiar. I'm sure I've seen you before somewhere.

For all you engineers (and other geniuses) who have difficulty converting units .... 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong 7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling 8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon 9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz 10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoar