A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

A Norwegian applied for a job as a logger deep in the Canadian woods. The foreman took him into the bush to test his knowledge of logging. He stopped the truck, pointed at a tree, and said, "See that tree over there? Tell me its species and how many board feet of lumber are in it." The Norwegian immediately replied, "Dat dere's a sitka spruce, eh? And she got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er." The foreman was impressed. He drove a little farther, pointed at another tree, and asked the same question. "Lord tunderin'. Dat's yer Douglas fir. 690 board feet." They drove a little farther, and the foreman asked again. "Yeller cedar. 242 board feet." The foreman was surprised; this Norwegian is

"We Haven't Had Any" A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. "Now, what was it she wanted?" The clerk answered, "Snow."

I wouldn't have believed this unless I seen it with my own eyes. I was walking down a street in the city I live in and noticed a store was going out of business. In the window was a huge sign "GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE", directly below that sign was another sign that said "NOW HIRING!" Talk about no job security!

A woman called an auto parts store and asked for a 28-ounce water pump. "What?" asked the confused parts guy. She said, "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump." "A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" asked the parts guy. "A Datsun," replied the woman. As the parts guy wrote down her request, a light went on in his head. "Oh, yes, ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps," he said. "We also have 24-ounce and 26-ounce pumps." "Finally," she said. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am," said parts guy, smiling, as he jotted down "Datsun 280Z water pump..."

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. "The disadvantage is that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What is the advantage?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs. Walking up to his foreman, he asked, "Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?" "Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!" "Then why aren't you wearing them?" "Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then someone offered me a drink and I didn't hear him!"

One day Jack's dad bought a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face. Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son, why are you late from school?" Jack answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today." Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face. His dad told him that the robot was special in that it could detect a lie, and would then slap the person who lied. "Now, come on, tell me the truth. Why are you late?" "Dad, I went to see a movie." "Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments." Splat, Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot. "No, Dad, honest I went to see the

Teacher: Justin if I had ten tennis balls in one hand, and twelve in another what would I have? Justin: Huge hands sir

Because Lexus created the park it your self car many Mexicans lost their jobs.

A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife, "Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news, I got $25,000 severance pay!" His wife said, "$25,000 in severance pay? That's great! So what's the bad news?" He said, "Wait till you hear what was severed!"

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"