1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you. 3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie." 4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." 5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this. 6) While sitting at your de

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week." The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay,now GET OUT!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of t

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the pharmacy. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead The voices told me to clean all the guns today. The dog ate my car keys, so now I have to hitchhike to the vet.

The following are quotes made by real police officers: "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "No, sir, we don't have quotas any more. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "Life's tough; it's tougher if you're stupid." "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

As an architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car, a surgeon, waiting for his own car to be repaired, walked over. They introduced themselves, and began talking about their lines of work. "You know," said the architect, "I sometimes believe a mechanic's work is as complicated as the work that we do." "Perhaps," the surgeon commented. "But let's see him do it with the engine running."

The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations he/she keeps cranking out. Well, here it is: AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? New Recruit: Call for backup!

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year,

R. B. Jones had just started a government job. Human Resources sent him a letter, instructing him that they needed his full name for their records, otherwise he could not be paid. They enclosed the proper form for him to fill out. R.B. wrote back to explain that he HAS no other names, only the initials R.B. So he filled in the form as follows: First name: R (only) Middle name: B (only) Last name: Jones Sure enough, come payday, R.B. received a pay cheque made out to Ronly Bonly Jones!

Once there were 3 guys, a Cuban, an American, and an Italian. So they worked together,and it was lunch time, so the American opens his lunch box and sees peanut-butter and jelly sandwich and he says, "If I get a peanut-butter jelly sandwich one more time I'm going to kill myself." Then the Italian opens his lunch box and sees spaghetti and he says, "If I get spaghetti one more time I'm going to kill myself." Lastly, the Cuban opens his lunch and sees black beans and he says, "If I get black beans one more time, I'm going to to do the same. The next day the all open their lunch boxes, and the Cuban sees black beans again, so he kills himself, then the Italian sees spaghetti again, so he kil