For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot; he had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 a.m. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway - nearly killed myself." The boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole

You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...... You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was th

Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died? 10 - five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment.

A young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force. "If you're driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?" he was asked. Without hesitation, the young man replied, "Seventy!"

A veteran officer with 18 years is running radar on a main street of a rural town. Along comes a young driver in a brand new sports car going 48 mph in a 30 mph zone. The officer stops the young man and explains the violation. The driver becomes belligerent telling the officer his badge did not mean a thing. The young driver tells the officer to go ahead and write the ticket because his father knows people that will make the ticket "go away". While the officer completes the ticket the young driver continues his barrage of insults. Without flinching the officer completes the ticket and hands the young driver his copies. The driver looks at his copies and becomes very agitated. The driver

This is supposedly a true story, it happened in a small town of the province of Quebec, Canada, in October 1996. They showed the video surveillance tape on the news, and even the anchorman was laughing through it. A robber came into a convenience store wearing a ski mask and a gun wanting to empty the cash register. He took the clerk to the back of the store and locked her up in the fridge. Unfortunately, when he came back to the front of the store, a customer had come in. So he took *off* the ski mask and the gloves, and pretended to be filling in for the clerk. The customer wanted a lottery ticket, so he tried to help her out, pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the machine (thus leaving

Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, "How did these rocks get here?" "Sir," said the guide, "they were brought down by a glacier." The tourist peered up the mountain and said, "But I don't see any glacier." "Oh, really?" said the guide. "I guess it has gone back for more rocks."

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What in the hell is anal glaucoma?" he inquires. "Well, I just can't see my ass coming to work today."

A proud father brought home a swing set he had just purchased for his children and immediately began to assemble it while all the neighborhood children anxiously waited to play on it. After several hours of reading the assembly instructions and trying to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard. The old-timer came over, tossed the directions away, and had the set completely assembled in a short period of time. "It's beyond me," the father said, "how you managed to get it all put together without even reading the directions." "To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think

A man was sitting in a plane when another man sat down in the seat beside him. The new fellow was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" the first fellow asked. "I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They have riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country ... " "Wait a minute," the first fellow said. "I've lived in L.A. all my life and I can assure you it's nowhere near as bad as the media reports. Find yourself a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The second fellow stopped shaking for a moment and

Lemon Grove A woman was applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove. When the foreman looked over her application, he felt she was far too qualified for the job. "Look, Miss Carter," said the foreman, "do you have any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Oh, yes, I certainly do," she replied. "I've been divorced four times."

When the salesman dropped in to pay a visit to one of his customers, he found the office empty except for a very large dog who was emptying wastebaskets. Rubbing his eyes, he was certain they must have been playing tricks on him. "Don't look so surprised," said the dog, "after all, this is part of my job." "This is amazing!" exclaimed the salesman. "I can't believe it. Does you boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can actually talk!" "No, no," the dog pleaded, "don't tell him. If he knows I can talk, the next thing you know he'll have me answering the phones too."