1. Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weathers. Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does us good. 2. Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return. 3. When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can understand what is said more distinctly. 4. Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are sure to hit the right way sooner or

A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. Shortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself!

The policeman stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia," she said. The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well, OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

Joe: What are you doing? John: Taxes. Joe: Why? John: Because I have to...... Joe: That's stupid. I did mine over a year ago.

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine - except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour!

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

The song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British soldiers to insult the colonialists (which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).

How many Price Chopper employees does it take to wash a table? Three; one to wash it and two to supervise.

Buy company, fire them. Beware of machine guns.

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."