A Director said to the actress: "You have to jump from 100 feet into a swimming pool." Actress: "But I dont know how to swim." Director: "I know, that's why I removed all the water from the swimming pool."

An engine driver was taken to court because he derailed a train. The judge asked, "Why did you derail the train?" The engine driver replied, "A man ran in front of the tracks." The judge replied, "You are a fool. You derailed a train and killed hundreds of people just because of one man, you should have killed him by running the train over him." The driver replied, "I tried to, but before I could run the train over him he moved away from the tracks so I just turned the train to run the train over him!!"

TRUE STORY I was working in a restaurant for several years. On a very busy night, I was helping out with the seating. I showed seats to a party of four and when I went to give them the menus, I realised we only had one menu left. As I placed the menu in front of one of them and told the other three that I would get them menus soon, they began laughing. They told me that the woman that I gave the menu to was blind!

TRUE STORY My first job was working in an office at my cubicle. Unfortunately, they put me on the floor with a bunch of pranksters. While I was doing my work, I saw one a co-worker with a funnel down his pants, trying to catch a coin with it, for fun. He would throw the coin in the air, and then catch it with the funnel. I found this very interesting, so when it was lunch break, I asked them if I could try it. The co-worker handed me a funnel and coin, and told me to put the funnel down my pants, and down my underpants if I wanted. I put it down my pants, and started playing. I caught the coin a couple of times, and I continued for a while. The co-worker left to get cold water to drink,

Doctor: Mrs Smith, you have acute angina. Mrs. Smith: I came here to be examined, not admired.

Waiter, why is my food all mushed up? -Well, you did ask me to step on it. Waiter, these eggs are bad. -Don't blame me. I only laid the table. Waiter, is there soup on my menu? -No, I wiped it off.

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A man was filling out a job application form. Whe he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote "No." Not realising that the next question was only for people who answered "Yes", he wrote "Never been caught." ======================================= A bank manager was interviewing candidates for a cashier's post, and was down to the last two people. One was a nice young man, but a bit timid, so he calls for the second applicant, "Mr. Johnson!" Up steps a burly young man who seems very sure of himself. The bank manager thinks, 'he looks like he can take care of himself' and decides to hire him. He says, "Now, Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. However, you did no

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away! Aim low; reach your goals; avoid disappointment. Teamwork means never having to take the blame yourself. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Confucius asks: "If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?"

Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings, so one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said, "I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?" Einstein agreed. When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffeur's uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall while the chauffeur took his place on the podium, effortlessly delivering the speech, then inviting the audience to ask questions. He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of re

Three men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars. One man said, "I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." Another man says, "I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." The last man speaks up saying, "Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!"