A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?" "I'm a whore," she says. The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl? "Well, I raised over a

Boudreaux's first military assignment was to a military induction center and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sa

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

New Office Slang ============================== 404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, "404 Not Found," which means the document requested couldn't be located. "Don't bother asking John. He's 404." Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant. Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "I dunno, ask Rick. He's our alpha geek." Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers t

A customer (a middle-aged woman) arrived to have a massage from among the fifteen or so blind masseurs. She came with a side-kick who brought along her things from the office. Approaching the line of masseurs waiting for customers, Lady - in a voice quite loud as to be overheard "They are good masseurs these blind people, huh?" Sidekick - "Yes, ma'am" Lady - "But I heard that the blind who are nearly deaf are the best because they can concentrate more on what they are doing." Just then a masseur interjected - "Excuse me, ma'am your voice sounds familiar - Do I know you?" Lady - "No, I don't think so," then excitedly louder, "It is my first time to come here!" Masseur - "You are correct, ma'

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army. "But wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?" "Sure," replied the man. "Well? Won't they find out?" "And who's gonna tell?"

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect man (or woman) you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be

After his recent stay in the hospital, Pa was particularly irritable, especially regarding food. At a nearby restaurant he stopped for a quick meal and the waiter provided a bowl of soup. As the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen Pa stopped him, calling: "Waiter!" "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?" "The soup. Taste it," replied Pa. "I beg your pardon, sir?" "Taste it." "But, sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent." "Taste it," Pa persisted. "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients." "Taste it!" The exasperated waiter finally relented. "All right, sir, I'll taste it." Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?" To which P

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, he returned to the office and said, - "A long time. We're gonna build a house..."

The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. "What is your name?" he asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to t

You understand the rationalization of an acronym comprised of acronyms. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do. You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance: (1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor. (2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards. The process becomes more important than the product. You don't see anythi

1. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up." 2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. 5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. 6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who oppose them. 7. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 8. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 9. Teamwork means never having to take all