What's the difference between a prostitute, your mistress and your wife? The prostitute says, "Are you done yet?" Your mistress says, "You're not done yet!" And your wife says, "Beige, I think we ought to paint the ceiling beige."

What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an octopus? I don't know, but it sure can pick tomatoes! What's black, has white eyes and knocks on glass? A black in a microwave. Why don't blacks like blow jobs? They don't like any job. What do you call two Vietnamese in a TransAm? The gooks of hazard. Did you hear about the polish Lesbian? She LOVED men. Why are Jewish men circumcised? Jewish women don't buy anything unless it's 20% off! What's the only food that ruins your sex life? Wedding cake. What do you call a Filipino contortionist? A Manila folder. How do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction. Did you hear about the two Mexicans who appeared on "That's

Husband and wife are doing the spring house cleaning. Wife asks husband to hang some new curtain rods, but he can't do it without toggle bolts. He sends her to the hardware store where she asks the man behind the counter for two toggle bolts. He puts them on the counter, then asks, "You wanna screw for these?" "No," she replies, "but I'll blow you for the clock radio on the shelf."

*******before you read this I want you all to know this is a real letter written to an airline company by a passanger who rode in the plane*********** Dear Continental Airlines, I am disgusted as I write this note to you about the miserable experience I am having sitting in seat 29E on one of your aircrafts. As you may know, this seat is situated directly across from the lavatory, so close that I can reach out my left am and touch the door. All my senses are being tortured simultaneously. It's difficult to say what the worst part about sitting in 29E really is. Is it the stench of the sanitation fluid that's blown all over my body every 60 seconds when the door opens? Is it the wooos

The Goriest, Scariest, Yuckiest Top 12 Things You Really Don't Want To See Written In Blood... 12) "Richard Hillman did it and------" 11) "Can you guess where your friends are?" 10) Your name signed on a Microsoft License Agreement 9) "Remember that kid you picked on during Junior Cert year..." 8) Your name on the bottom of a contract from Fianna Fail. (Irish government party) 7) "See! I can spell! Yor next" 6) "Luke, I am your father." 5) "Where the feck are the Elastoplasts?" 4) Your overdue Visa bill 3) "Does anyone have a spare Tampax?" 2) "Did yez ever wonder what happened to the blood you donated?" 1) "Dude you're gettin' a Dell!"

Q: What do the Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle around Uranus searching for Klingons!

THE KIDDIE PICK...When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit! CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile. FAKE NOSE SCRATCH...When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers. MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert. SURPRISE PICKINGS...When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your s

Three youngsters are having hot discussion, about whose father is the tallest one. The first one said, "My father is just like statue of Liberty. Your hat will fall off if you look at him" The second one does not want to loose the discussion. He added, "That's nothing! You can not see my father's hands, when he stands up and waves. They vanish in the clouds". The third one, a born winner in the discussion, confidently added, "Did your father's hands feel something, when he was waving in the clouds?" The second one replied confidently that he is going to win the discussion, "Why, certainly, he once told me his hands felt something up in the clouds and he tried to pull that." The third on

After a shower, the man grabbed his shirt that his wife hung on the back of the door. It fell into the trash can. After picking it up, he looked into the trash and saw nothing so he put the shirt on. He went to college and walking along the corridor, he heard stiff laughs from everyone. After stopping in an open area, he looked around and saw nothing funny. When he started walking again, when PLOP, something behind him dropped to the floor. It was his wife's bloody pad! Apparently it had been in the trashcan when the shirt fell in and stuck to the back.

Cecil and Scott are two homosexuals living together. It was extremely hot one day and Cecil arrived home to find Scott with his ass in the freezer. "Scott! What are you doing with your ass in the freezer?" Scott replied, "It was so hot outside, I thought you'd like something cool to slip into!"

What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper.

I once knew a boy who was dating his left hand and having an affair with his right.