A man hated the Trojans. He loved USC. Why? He hated using Trojan condoms. He wanted to have sex the o'natural way.

Why did Richard Nixon become President? Everyone called him Dick! They judged him by his name!

How do you know when you've had enough sex? When you die from AIDS!

Once, a man walked into a bar. He went up to the counter and ordered his drink. The guy next to him had a bowl of chili that he didnt seem to be eating. "Sir, could I bother you for some chili?" he asked very politely. "Go right ahead" he responded, passing the chili. About half way through, he saw there was a rat at the bottom of the chili. In repsonse to this he puked the chili back up. At this time the man next to him stared. "Funny thats farther than I got," he said.

So anyway, this leper goes into a bar. And this guy is in a really advanced state of decay, you know, like the werewolf's friend in American Werewolf in London, towards the end of the movie... Anyhow, he goes into this bar, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, "Look, before I order, I'd like you to know that I'm aware of how my appearance affects some people, and I'll fully understand it if you refuse to serve me." The bartender, who is looking a little pasty-faced, says, "No, sir, I am a professional, and you are my customer. It is my pleasure to serve you. What would you like?" "A shot of whiskey, if it's not too much trouble." "Coming right up, sir." The bartender pours the dri

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby? A: A dead baby in a clown costume! Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline? A: When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off! Q: What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A: A baby with a punctured lung! Q: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? A: Fucked! Q: How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ? A: Nail its other hand to the floor! Q: What do you call a dead baby and 6 week old bread? A: A Big Mac! Q: How do you make a man pregnant? A: Stick a dead baby up his ass! Q: How many babies does it take to paint a house? A: Depends how hard you throw them!

On one side of the world, a man is given a blowjob by a 80-year-old woman. On the other side of the world, a stuntman attempts the unattemptable: Tiptoeing on a stretched cord between two skyscrapers. What are they both thinking? "Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, don't look down..."

Three roommates: a blonde, brunette, and redhead all go out on dates one night. When they get back in the blonde says, "You know you've been on a good date when your make-up is all smeared!" The brunette says, "No, no, you know you've been on a good date when you come home and your hair is all messed up." The redhead doesn't say anything she just reaches up under her skirt, pulls off her panties, and throws them against the wall, where they stick, and says, "NOW THAT'S A GOOD DATE!!"

Q: How do you know when a blonde is on her period? A: She only has on one sock!

One day two old men, Bill and Ted, were sitting on a park bench discussing their sex life. Bill states, "At my age, me and the old lady have sex about once a year." Ted replies, "Oh really! Me and the old lady have sex almost every day." "No way!" says Bill. "You're joking, right?" "No, really!" insists Ted. "Almost on Sunday, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday..."

Chapstick is selling a new product in England. It is the regular Chapstick with Viagra added to the formula. Englishmen like it because it helps them keep a stiff upper lip.

Back in the days of old, Before condoms were invented, Knights wrapped socks Around their cocks, And babies were prevented.