Two older women were picking up a third friend for their weekly lunch when they accidentally ran over and killed her cat. It wasn't a pretty sight, so rather than leave it for the woman's husband to find, they scooped it into a Foley's bag and took it with them, intending to throw it away in the restaurant's dumpster.Upon their arrival, they discovered that the dumpster was locked. Not wanting to leave the bag in the car, they put in on the ground next to the car and went inside to eat. From their window table they could clearly see the car and bag, and so noticed immediately when a woman walked by the closed bag, looked at it with interest, and went on. In a few minutes she returned, looked

A friend of mine and his family were taking a trip to the mall. On the way, their 18 month old son had a massive blow out poopy diaper. In the mall parking lot, the diaper was changed and put in a Dillard's bag. Embarrassed by the incredibly bad smell, the couple decided to leave the bag on the hood of the car to be thrown in a dumpster as opposed to a mall trash can. A couple of hours later when the family was returning to the car, they saw an old, beat up pick-up stop at their car. A young man jumped out and hurriedly threw the Dillard's bag into the cab. He got back in and the pick up sped off with what he thought was a mighty haul.

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore. His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more. "Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling. "Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on. He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily. "If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom. When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please." The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume." "No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please." "Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.

Deep Salvage Pick Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages. Utensil Pick When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction. Extra Pick When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery. Depression Pick When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression. Pick A Lot What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame. Kiddi

The little cowboy, Shorty, was leaving the bar to get on his horse for the ride back to the ranch, when he noted that someone had painted his horse's balls blue. Totally pissed, he went back into the bar and shouted, "Who's the dirty son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls blue?!" A big burly guy stood up and said, "I did. Got a problem with that?" "None," says Shorty, "just wanted to let you know he was dry and ready for the 2nd coat."

Please don't tell anyone, this is HOT gossip. After all the years of shit, it's surprising they are still together! Guess who? THE BUTTOCKS!

Little Willy was a chemist; Little Willy is no more - For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4. Little Willy played with dynamite, Couldn't understand it quite. Curiosity never pays, It rained Willy seven days.

One night a little boy was left alone at home for the weekend. Before leaving his mother told him, "if you get scared put your hand under bed and let the dog lick your hand. Then you will know you are safe." So during the night the little boy heard a drip drip drip sound. He got very scared and put his hand under his bed and his dog leicked his hand. He then felt better. A little later he heard the drip drip drip sound again. The boy once again put his hand under his bed and allowd his dog to lick it. He then felt safe. About five minutes later the little boy heard the drip drip drip sound once again. Instead of putting his hand under his bed he got up and went and looked in the bathroom. T

There were 2 men sitting next to each other in a hospital waiting room. Feeling a little akward, one man turns to the other and asks, "So what are you in here for?". Leaning closer to the other man so as to wisper because of embarasment, the first man replies,"I have a green ring around my penis!" Shocked, the second man replies,"that's so weird, I have a red ring around mine." well time passes an the second man gets called into the doctors office. a little while later the man comes out and walks by the first man with a big smile on his face telling him that he was fine and that he will be too. so the first man gets called into the doctors office. the doctor started to examine him. after

Ghost Poopie The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet. Clean Poopie The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. Wet Poopie The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain. Second Wave Poopie The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more. Turtle Poopie The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finally comes out Pop-a-Ve

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietitian." Nina asks, "Why?" Rosy answers, "'Cause I need to know once and for all how many calories there are in semen." Nina replies, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."