Birdie Birdie in the sky, Dropped some white stuff in my eye. I'm a big girl, I won't cry. I'm just glad that cows don't fly!

I went to Google Translater to write something to my friend in German. I typed in English: Hey there! I am bored. What do you want to do? It came out in German: Hey dort! ich werde gebohrt, was Sie tun möchten? If I translate it back into English, it comes out: Hey there! I am bored, which you would like to do? I don't want to do anyone!

How do you say constipated in German? farfrompoopin

Matt: I bet you can't spell "I cup." Sarah: I C-U-P Matt: Eww! You see me pee!

I went to a money-making seminar. This man had so much bling he sparkled. I could tell he knew how to make money. He was telling the story of how he worked his way up the corporate ladder from a lowly mail boy, to cubicle, to corner office, to the president of his own very successful business. He went on to tell the whole process of sucking up to the bosses and such. Anyway the way he made most of his money was with his own business. It wasn't persay the way he ran it but the idea behind it. He mass producted one product but sold it as two. He made long rubber open ended cylinders and sold them as a box of 12 condoms for $6 and he sold a bag of balloons for $3. The man was a genius...pure ge

It must suck being a penis because- 1. Your best friends are nuts 2. Your closest neighbour is an asshole 3. You vomit when you're excited 4. Your owner abuses you And if you're in the mood- 5. You work double-duty on Tuesday.

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

What's green and turns red at the touch of a button? A frog in a liquidizer!

How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour petrol on him and set him on fire, and he'll go "WOOF"!

Life is like a dick... when it gets hard fuck it!

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!

There once was a man from Rangoon Whose farts could be heard on the moon; When you'd least expect 'em They'd burst from his rectum With the force of a raging typhoon!!