Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

What's green and turns red at the touch of a button? A frog in a liquidizer!

How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour petrol on him and set him on fire, and he'll go "WOOF"!

Life is like a dick... when it gets hard fuck it!

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!

There once was a man from Rangoon Whose farts could be heard on the moon; When you'd least expect 'em They'd burst from his rectum With the force of a raging typhoon!!

What is green and yellow and eats nuts? GONORRHEA

Three friends decided to check out a room in a hotel, but before the man gave them their key he said, "In your room there is a window. If you jump out of it while wishing something outloud your wish will come true." The three friends raced to their room, the first guy jumped out and said, "I wish for a big pile of money!" and landed in one. The second guy wished for a group of cheerleaders that would love him. He jumped out and landed in their arms. The third guy got a running start, tripped over the window frame and said, "Crap!" Let's just say he went back to wish for lots and lots of soap.

Two prostitutes moved to a new town, and on their first Sunday, went to church. One of the girls was quite proud of her singing; the other felt she couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, so was quiet. After one desultory hymn, the priest berated the congregation, "Quite clearly, there are some who are singing, and some who are not. Can we please have a more concerted effort for the other hymns?" One whisper to her friend, "My word, how did he know about us so quickly?"

Guy goes into a drug store and asks for deodorant. Assistant says, "Aerosol or ball-type?" to which he replies, "Neither, it's for under my arms."

Toothbrush: "I have the dirtiest job in the world" Toilet Paper: "Yeah...right"

There once was a man from Nantucket, Whose cock was so long he could suck it, Said he with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!