The Man's Point System

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects -sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings...+5 But return with beer ...-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's her father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2 SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6 Tiffany has implants...-8 HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10 THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60 A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal ...-5 And the pal is happily married ...-4 Or frighteningly single ...-7 And he drives a Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15 You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3 am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200 HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friends from work...+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late...+10 You wait up...+15 She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20 A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie...+2 You take her to a movie she likes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate...+6 You take her to a movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop 3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15 FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it...+20 You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30 And she contracts Lyme disease...-25 YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30 You say, "I don't give a damn because you have one too"....-800 FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5 Something she can't use...-10 Such as a motorized model airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40 DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive...+20 You let her mother tell you how to drive...+40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up getting lost because you followed her directions...+10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal... -25 You know them...-60 THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding...-10 You reply, "Where?"...-35 COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20