From the Golden Age of Comedy

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either." - Jack Benny "When I was born I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen "I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has-been was once an are." - Milton Berle "Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." - George Burns "You're never too old to become younger." - Mae West "I hate the theatre. I also hate the sight of blood, but it's in my veins." - Charlie Chaplin "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age." - Lucille Ball "I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope "I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." - W.C. Fields "What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." - Henny Youngman